“everyday is a blessing”.. true story yo.
A few years ago I was the typical, ignorant girl… I hated high school and all that stuff but I was really smart.. I thought I was the smartest girl alive actually. I took college classes at AQ at 15.. thought I was really the shit…… It’s amazing how God will slap you in the face with a wet, dirty, muddy sock when you least expect it.
I got really sick into my second “real” semester out of high school and at AQ.. by the end of that semester.. one surgery down.. three months of recovery time, debt, loss of full ride scholarship.. I suddenly wasn’t the hottest shit around. But I still thought it was all about me.. woe is me.. more pain, suffering than I ever thought was humanly possible… insert the next wet sock here…
cancer.. congrats you have three months to live!! good luck! That’s when I decided to pull my head out of my ass.. this wasn’t a sentence .. this was a choice.. I refused to spend the rest of my life rotting in the children’s hospital, despite how nice the nurses were and how many interesting balloons I got… Hear I am.. almost 2 years later this summer.. many more surgeries,pain, and now a considerable amount of weight, but through it all I realized how precious life is.. it sounds lame, but indeed it is.. last year on my “one year” from not being six feet under.. I found this on my mom’s computer.. this single letter my mom wrote to her sister FULLY made me realize how much it wasn’t just about me.. how blessed am i… read on.
”Hi Sissy,Well Chelsea seems to be doing pretty good. She talks of her death with flair & humor, although I scold her for doing so. Her pain is not too bad with the aid of several pain meds & tranquilizers. She has this amazing faith that no matter what, God is control. I am so very, very proud of her!I suppose it is I that have finally come to terms with the reality of this. John told me Tuesday “Welcome to reality Linda”. Now I have NOT given up hope that she will have a FULL recovery, nor has John. I have just tried to accept what all the drs are saying and NOT saying. Unfortunately the statistics are just the most damning reality. 4 out of 5 people die within the first year of diagnosis of lung cancer. 14% of all the hundreds of thousands of cases diagnosed each year, live for up to 5 years. No one survives it or has survived past 5 years.It is when she is not here that *ucks me up the worst. I hold her pillow of what smells of her and can’t help but think…”A year from now this may be all I have to hold of her and remind me”. Then I think, “What will I have after that?” I seem to do very well when she is within my sight, the Lord sustaining my strength to miraculous ends.I am desperately sad. Find myself not praying enough and then wonder if I am pissing God off with my thoughts of doubt.No need to respond, for how can anyone? I am sorry to place this mornings confessions of saddness & doubt in your inbox! Guess i just needed to unload on someone this morning.I’ll keep you posted on the biopsy news (next week). I would love your company, but must admit my company isn’t worth a darn. Nor is Johns. John cries ALL the time (not in front of her). Me, occasionaly when she is not here… and I don’t cry, I wail and sob uncontrollably.I love you, please keep praying!”
Posted in boohah.
Tags: cancer, God, life
